What does separation anxiety mean for your relationship?

Relationship separation anxiety can be hard to notice at first. Missing your partner is normal and can even be healthy, so you might not realize that there’s anything wrong.

But if your distress when being away from your partner becomes overwhelming or interferes with your daily tasks — even temporarily — it’s important to address it. Separation anxiety in adults is relatively common, and research shows it affects up to 42% of adults. Learning to recognize the signs of separation anxiety and understanding what’s behind it can help you feel more grounded and build a healthier relationship.

Signs of separation anxiety in your relationship

It’s normal to feel some sadness when your loved ones are away. But separation anxiety in a relationship isn’t just about thinking about your partner or missing them when they’re gone. It’s much more intense and might make it hard to focus on daily tasks or other relationships. 

If your partner is going to be out of the country for several weeks or months, it’s completely understandable to be sad about it. You may even cry while saying goodbye to them at the airport. But you know they’re coming home, and you live your life in the meantime. You walk your dog, see your friends, and go to work.

Someone with separation anxiety could feel much more intense distress, even for shorter or less extreme separations. For example, even if your partner is only away for a weekend, you might feel so upset and anxious that you’re unable to focus on anything else.

Some signs that you might be experiencing separation anxiety in your relationship include:

• Feeling intense fear or panic when your partner is away
• Crying or feeling physically ill during separations
• Difficulty concentrating or doing everyday tasks without them
• Canceling your own plans so you don’t have to be apart
• Struggling to sleep, eat, or relax unless they’re physically nearby
• Constantly worrying something bad will happen to them
• Feeling like you “can’t function” without their presence or attention

Separation anxiety isn’t the only mental health condition with these symptoms. You might have dependent personality disorder, which is characterized by an intense fear of being alone or needing others to take care of you. The difference is that separation anxiety usually affects only the primary attachment relationship in your life, while dependent personality disorder can lead to larger patterns of anxiety in all of your relationships. 

Getting the right diagnosis is the first step to getting the treatment you deserve.

The care you need, when you need it

Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey

Subscribe

I agree to receive emails from Rula and accept the terms outlined in Client Email Consent and Privacy Policy.

Is separation anxiety a bad thing?

It isn’t necessarily a bad thing to feel sad or miss your partner when they’re away. But separation anxiety disorder is when the sadness and distress becomes extreme and inappropriate. This type of separation anxiety not only causes you emotional pain, but it’s likely damaging your relationship as well.

It’s important to look at the reasons behind your separation anxiety. In many cases, separation anxiety is part of larger relationship patterns or even abandonment trauma that needs to be addressed. For example, you might have developed an anxious attachment style in early childhood, which can lead you to feel and behave this way now. Or you might live with borderline personality disorder (BPD), which can include an intense fear of abandonment.

Some of the potential consequences that separation anxiety could have on your relationship include:

• Enmeshed relationship: You and your partner may start to lose your sense of individual identity. You might avoid doing anything alone, even if it’s something you used to enjoy — and over time, this can lead to an enmeshed relationship, burnout, or resentment for one or both of you.
• Codependency: If you’re always distressed and anxious when your partner leaves, it may create a dynamic where your emotional stability depends entirely on their presence. Your partner may start to feel like they can’t ever leave or take time for themselves without upsetting you. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and could lead to frustration or resentment. 

Ways to cope with separation anxiety in a relationship

Most people — both children and adults — who have diagnosable separation anxiety disorder need professional mental health treatment. Even if you don’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis, you may still be affected by mild to moderate separation anxiety in your relationship. If you’ve been experiencing these symptoms for longer than six months, or if it’s impacting your ability to build healthy relationships, therapy may be a helpful next step.

Here’s how to cope:

Acknowledge the problem

When you live with separation anxiety, and every goodbye — no matter how temporary — is painful, it can be easy to start blaming your partner for how you feel. You might feel like if they didn’t leave you, then you’d never have to feel this way. But it’s important to recognize separation anxiety for what it is.

Acknowledge that you live with separation anxiety and it has become a problem in your relationship. Recognizing this allows you to take ownership of your feelings and focus on getting the support you need.

Communicate with your partner

If you’ve realized that you live with separation anxiety, it’s essential to communicate this with your partner. When your partner is aware that you live with this condition, they can learn about how it affects you and how they can best support your needs. 

Redefine what it means to be “alone”

Sometimes, separation anxiety may come from a more general fear of being alone. It’s important to redefine what alone time means for you. It might help to identify fun and meaningful activities that you can do without your partner. Try to use your alone time focusing on yourself and meeting your own needs.

Avoid compulsive reassurance seeking

When you’re anxious because your partner is away, you may feel the urge to constantly contact them to ask for reassurance — whether that’s reassurance that they still love you or simply that they’re OK. But seeking reassurance in this way can become a compulsive behavior, which can keep you trapped in a cycle of anxiety.

Constant reassurance seeking may also upset your partner and make them feel like they need to spend all of their time away comforting you. Instead of contacting your partner constantly, try using healthy distractions — like watching a favorite show, journaling, or calling a friend.

Work with a therapist

A therapist can help you explore the root of your separation anxiety and learn tools to manage it. This might include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help you challenge anxious thoughts, or attachment-focused therapy, which can help you understand and heal patterns from past relationships. Therapy also gives you a safe space to talk through how your anxiety affects your relationship and uncover coping strategies that work for you.

Find care with Rula

Separation anxiety can put a strain on both your mental health and your relationship, but support is available. Whether you’re dealing with symptoms that meet the criteria for a diagnosis or simply feeling overwhelmed when your partner leaves, therapy can help you build emotional resilience. This can lead to a more secure attachment to your partner. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a provider with Rula